"Welcome to OnStar"

This is the story of the day my dad almost gave up grandfathering. (He really said that.) I'll give you a little background, but really this story speaks for itself. One of my very best friends from college was getting married and DM had a school committment so he had to come a little later as I was in the wedding party and I was requested to attend the bridesmaids' luncheon the day before the wedding. So my parents very graciously offered to make the 5 1/2 hour drive with BigM and me. A few things I haven't told you about BigM as a baby:
1. She had horrible colic (horrible. Cried for 16 hours a day, straight. I'm not exaggerating, even though I tend to do that. She really did cry every second she was awake.)
2. She nursed every 1 1/2, for 45 mins. Meaning I nursed every 45 mins for 45 mins. It's a wonder I agree to be pregnant ever again.
3. She didn't particularly care for her carseat.
4. She never napped.

So this simple 5 1/2 hour trip ended up taking over 9 hours. And my dad really did say, "I think I would like to give up grandfathering. Is there any way we can trade this child in for another one?" So here goes. This is a true story. None of the account you are about to read has been exaggerated in any way.


“G-Pops, you just can’t pull into the Cracker Barrel and drop her off. She can breastfeed in the back of the car. No one will see her.” I can see the blood creeping up the back of my dad’s neck. All you have to do is mention the word “breast” and he turns purple.

But she’s right, I would rather park in the back parking lot than sit out front in one of those rocking chairs to nurse. BigM is now crying so hard she is holding her breath. Dad pulls the car in the Comfort Inn parking lot and announces he’s going on a walk. Fine, I think, just go. I don’t want you to see my breasts anymore than you want to see them. He practically jumps out of the driver’s seat before the car has even stopped and is gone before we can even say goodbye.

“Honey, what can I do to help,” my mom asks. As well meaning as she is, there’s not much she can do in this situation. I get BigM out of her carseat and she starts sucking like she has never eaten before. Peace and quiet, finally. Ha. As if it were that easy. Before I can stop her, BigM has let go and spits up all over me. “Crap,” I say (in front of my mother!) “She just spit up.” Now, of course, my mom (who is not always the most level headed when it comes to a crisis) says, “Oh Mommy Mouse, don’t let it get on the leather seats, your father is going to freak, let me help…”

WHOOWHOOWHOOWHOO… as my mom opens the door to help me, the car alarm starts to go off. “Shut the door, mom? How do you turn this thing off?” I scream. BigM starts screaming. Mom is screaming. The noise is deafening and people are starting to look.

Ring, ring. What the hell is that? “Hello,” shrieks my mom. “Hello? Yes?” I forgot my dad has that surround sound car cell phone thing. “Mrs. Jones, this is David calling from OnStar, we received an alert that your car alarm has gone off. Is everything o…”

“Oh David, you would not believe, my daughter is in the backseat breastfeeding and I got out to try and help her and then the car alarm started going off and her father has gone off with the keys because he can’t stand to see her breasts and I don’t know how to turn it off and I just don’t know what to do…” I kind of wish she would stop talking, but at least I don’t know this David character.

“Well, um, well Mrs. Jones, I can, uh, turn the alarm off for you if you would like.” Poor David, I know his face is red and I can’t even see him. Thankfully, the noise stops. “Oh, David, that would be wonderful. This baby is just more than we can handle. She’s…”

“Is there anything else I can do for you today,” David interrupts. Yeah, he’s required by the company to ask that question. David here wants to get off the phone as fast as he can so he can flick the lights and get everyone’s attention in the call center and tell them about the crazy nut he just talked to. (“Everybody listen, you guys will never believe this one…”)

Oh great, I’m going to be one of those commercials. I start laughing, mostly because there is not much else I can do. I have always told my mom she gives way too much information, but this really tops the cake. “Mom, you could have said, ‘Thank you for calling, I accidentally set the alarm off. Could you please turn it off?’ That poor guy is going to have nightmares for weeks!"

Now he’s sitting there with the phone in his hand wondering, ‘Just how was that woman supposed to help her daughter breastfeed?’”